Football one liners (ment to be funny)

• "That kid couldn't play dead in a western"
• "He can't bust a grape"
• Heard these in tackling drills over the years, "That sounds like a rat pissing on cotton", "Sounds like two socks in a dryer"
• "Don't be sorry. Be faster."
• "he's slower then steam rising from s@#$"
• "A mind once stretched to a new idea never returns to its original size" Oliver Wendell Holmes
• "THE REAL WORLD KEEPS SCORE" Bill Gates
• Excuses are like a-holes, everybody has one, and they all stink!
• When I got into coaching, I said I would never cuss or yell. AND I'LL BE DAMMED IF YOU AIN'T MADE A LIAR OUT OF ME!!
• You couldn't block a fart with your thumb up your a$$.
• You guys look so bad you look like pigs fucking in the mud
• To an official - after another brutal call against us - "There's a reason you're refereeing a 1-A (small school) game on a Saturday afternoon.
• To the QB- 'He's so open he's catching a cold!'
• You’re softer than a witch’s tit.
• I'd rather eat the ass out of a dead rhinoceros than lose to that team.
• We can't rush the ball the length of my dick
• An old timer discussing working with lack of talent: "Coach, you can't polish a turd"
• That kid looks like Tarzan but plays like Jane.
• Can't make chicken salad out of chicken $hit...
• One of my old coaches used to say when players when they would answer his question with I thought I was supposed to... "Don't think, you're not equipped for it."
• Another one of his sayings related to players finally doing what they were supposed to after failing many times..."Even a blind squirrel's going to find an acorn every once in a while."
• Half you guys over there. Half you guys over there. The rest of you guys come with me.
• "Coaches coach and players play! I didn't ask you to think, just do what I am asking and not what you want to do so we can win the game."
• Describing the blocking ability of our center: "He couldn't knock a sick whore off a toilet!"
• Describing the intensity of a team scrimmage period: "I'd rather watch skunks F**k!"
• Telling a running back to "run like you stole something"
• To a DB during film: "There are 2 things in life you shouldn't knock up, one is a football."
• To an assistant lobbying for playing time for a particular WR: "He's not much faster than a cone."
• "Son, do you know what your doing? Do you even know what state you’re in? I know a state of confusion!”- Lou Holtz
• "If, if ands and butts were candy and nuts everyday with be Christmas"
• "If he muffs the punt dive on it, we dive on all muffs"
• "your playing worse and worse everyday and now your playing like the middle of next week"
• White Rock - descriptive term used to illustrate a less than desirable player - "That boy is a white rock" - when a dog craps in the yard and it is left for a while it turns white and hard as a rock.
• Halloween - term used to describe players that like to "dress up in football costumes" but do not give effort or commitment.
• GATA - Get After Their Ass
• "It is far better to have died a young boy, then to ever drop the football" - Knute Rockne
• "Hard hat on, lunch pails away, punch in, you’re on my time now!"
• Coach talking to the press about the prospects for this year’s team: "Well, we may be small, but we are slow...."
• Coach describing why we should NOT play a certain CB - "We would get better coverage from a cardboard cut-out."
• "We're going to be wide open on offense, so y'all keep watching' 'cause one of us is about to score!”
• "That boy isn’t going to be building' any science rockets but he can flat out turn the corner."
• "That kid is deceptively slow"
• "Play like someone stole your freaking' sandwich!"
• "You're in the running for Peptol Bismol's 'Upset Player' of the week award."
• After a kid tried to explain what the defense was doing, but he spoke in some sort of hillbilly Ebonics. I responded "Your in American now son, speak the queens English" The confusion on his face was priceless.
• A sophomore was concerned about going up against a much larger and stronger senior in practice and I told him just to yell out a math problem that should freeze him in his tracks.
• Coach A "They beat us 45 to 14 that year"
• Coach B " Really what did they run"
• Coach A "Pretty much what ever the hell they wanted to"
• “HE COULDN'T BLOCK A DEAD SNAKE!"
• "If you guys play like you can play, than you'll play like you can play."
• "Alright guys, this is our new Spread Punt. And no, it's not Spread Cunt like your girlfriends."
• "You couldn't catch a cold butt-naked in a lake in the middle of December"
• Speaking to a guy who was going into the army after he graduated: "how are you going to defend our country when you can't even defend A gap?"
• Used to work for a guy who gave this as part of a speech before a big playoff game:
• "Guys...the team with the bigger d*ck is going to win this game tomorrow."
• Silence...nothing for a few seconds, then a few guys start tittering slightly and looking away to hide the rising, uncontrollable, laughter.
• Finally, one of the smart-asses on the team...a kid who never played and really didn't give a crap about anything, pipes up and says:
• "Coach, if that's what it is going to take to win, then we are in big trouble because I have seen all of these guys naked in the shower."
• At that point, everyone lost it...kids, coaches, EVERYBODY...one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
• "we look like drunk turtle sex...slow and sloppy"
• "don't hurt yourself sweetheart"
• Standing right beside the player - "Well gee whiz, from all the way over here that sounds like an excuse."
• "He looks like he's trying to catch it by sound."
• This one happened in a scrimmage, old time coach, they call a pass play and their OT blocks down and our DE blindsided their QB, and their coach goes:
• "Coach, coach...can we line that back up?"
• So we line it back up...
• "OK Jared...now lets take a look at this...you see these 2 guys?"
• Kid nods.
• "Which one are you suppose to block on _____________ (play call)"
• Kid stares...
• "Ok Jared...at what point would you think we should not block the giant SOB who looks like he eats steroids every morning for breakfast?"
• ...silence...
• "That's IT?! Nothing? Go down and play with the JV"
• Kid jogs to the JV field, coach says "Jesus Christ Ben (his QB) I'm sorry, hard to believe he was the fastest sperm isn't it."
• "My son can run a better route than that!" ~his son has MS and is in a wheel chair.
• In Football, RESPECT is never given freely by your opponent. It must be TAKEN from them...VIOLENTLY
• " Our Passing game is like Halloween, it is Scary but it aint real"
• HS coach to a nerd that was sitting aside doing math homework in gym class: Son, are you doing math homework?" Kid: "Yes sir" Coach: "Son, they don't let you do pushups in math class, and I don't allow math in pushups class...get your butt down here now."
• HS coach timing us in the 40 when the O and D line came up: "Hey coach, we're going to need a calendar to time this group."
• HS FB Asst Coach: "You run like you got a hotdog up your a$$ and you're afraid you're going to spill the chili!"
• HS FB Asst Coach: "Is that the stance we taught you? You look like a monkey screwing a football"
• Coach Pat Dye when asked about something he could have done differently after an Auburn loss: "Well, hindsight is 50/50 you know."
• Coach Bryant when asked by a reporter why he hadn't put the back up QB in due to the starting QBs struggles: "Cuz I want to win the football game."
• Worked with this old NY Italian guy- full of one-liners:
• "Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass..."
• "They came through [our o-line] like $hit through a goose..."
• "I got to squeeze my butt cheeks otherwise I'm going to be $hitting like a duck [walking and crapping at the same time]..."
• We also coached track together, and we had a kid fast as hell but he'd always pull hamstrings due to lack of flexibility- "That kid's tighter than a crab's a$$..."
• "Wow...you're smoother than sandpaper"
• "Wow...you're slicker than snot"
• "You couldn't knock a sick whore off a pisspot..."
• He called this kid "UMA" [like Uma Thurman] - when asked why, he said it's U.M.A. - Ugliest Man Alive...and his dad's nickname was U.F.A.- ugliest father alive.
• When entering the locker room: "It smells like a whore's a$$ in here..."
• Whenever something happened that was unexpected he'd say under his breath "your sister's a$$..."
• Would someone do something else wrong? I'm tired of seeing the same mistakes.
• "You must be a failed abortion" (kind of funny in a wrong sort of way)
• "You can wish in one hand and crap in the other. See which one weighs more."
• You'd screw up a wet dream.
• You couldn't find your way out of a wet paper sack.
• "Son, you better be on a receiver's butt the moment one steps on the football field. If he goes to the bathroom and takes a dump, you'd better be there to intercept the toilet paper."
• "You practice like old people f**k- it's slow, it's disgusting and someone's going to end up getting hurt!"
• That DB would have trouble covering his butt with a towel.
• "That kid's shaking like a dog $hitting razor blades..."
• "You could screw up a rock fight..."
• " Son your dumber than a box of hair!"
• Greatest one ever an assistant coach once said, " Son your a load your momma should of swallowed."
• Interesting converstion with kids sometimes. A player said this to a coach, but the coach didn't bat an eye.
• Player said (17 year old, w/ no business on the field.): "Yeah my kids are gonna play college ball."
• Coach said: " Yeah?, Where the hell they gonna get the tallent, we da*& sure know you ain't got any."

• Player: "coach, today I’m going to show you I don't suck."
• Coach: "you're going to have to get a lot better even just to reach suck."
• Coach on the field drawing stuff up on the sidelines for the D-line, D-line coach in the box.
• On field Coach: "Come on Andre', it's not that difficult all you have to do is......"
• Coach in box through headsets: "that's not in his box of crayons coach"
• DB coach on the field, who's frustrated with his CB throughout the game.
• CB gives up and easy route then gets flagged for a late hit out of bounds.
• "ROBERTS > :( ROBERTS...YOU AIN'T WORTH 15 YARDS!! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU AIN'T WORTH 15 YARDS!!!"
• Golf outing, DE is playing with his brother a LB (post graduation); they somehow get put right behind us (I won't get into the Larry the Cable guy shirts, jeans and work boot attire they were wearing).
• They pull up to the green; we're waiting in line for the next tee box. Guys behind them hit into them, ball rolls under the cart. DE gets out, clearly picks up the ball and puts it in his pocket. The group behind them comes driving up to the green and that guy is pissed.
• Guy: "HEY! Did you pick up my ball?"
• DE: "No."
• Guy: "I saw you pick it up."
• DE: "So?"
• Guy: "You're not suppose to pick up other people's golf balls"
• DE: "So."
• Guy: "Give it back"
• DE: "I'll wrestle you for it?"
• Guy: "No."
• DE: "Alright."
• And turned away like the guy wasn't even there anymore and pulled up 10 more feet behind our cart with the guy still standing beside where their cart was.
• I was laughing; the DE looked at me and said "What? What's he going to do?"
• God I miss that kid.
• Straining more than a dog that has been eating peach seeds
• Dumber than a box of rocks
• Worthless as chicken sh1t on a pump handle
• Nervous as a whore in church
• Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs
• Dumbest smart kid I ever saw. (Always have governor school kids)
• Dumber than a bag of sh1t
• During tackling drills: might as well take your shoulder pads off, they are just weighing you down
• One I used daily: Do you lay in bed at night trying to find ways to fuck up my practice
• He is so dumb he couldn’t track a fat squaw through a snow drift
• He would lose his thingy if it wasn’t attached
• If his brain was gasoline it wouldn’t run a mouse's motorcycle
• Another daily for me: We're burning daylight.
• You couldn’t escape from a wet paper bag
• "I think we could screw up a one car funeral"
• "He might look like Tarzan... but he plays like Jane"
• "The middle of the field will open up like your girlfriends legs on prom night..."
• "I can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit"
• Watching the o-line get into their stances after a summer of pretending they were practicing. "You guys look as happy to be in those stances as a guy with piles the size of grapes does when he needs a turd."
• One of our receivers insists of going to his knees when catching a lowish ball "Oi ..........., just coz your mama spent her teens on her knees don’t mean you have to"
• Hit'em with your purse, Nancy!
• Take your tampon out and finish the drill please...
• This is from a kid, but it happened yesterday at practice and I laughed my ass off
• Takes place between a varsity kid and a freshman, after freshman is whining about something at practice
• Varsity kid: “what’s wrong? Your vagina leaking?
• Looking up through a whole constellation of stars, Fisher DeBerry looks down at me and says "99 times out of 10 Tom Stansbury is going to hit you in the mouth, son, you got to pay attention!"
• Couldn't catch the clap in a whorehouse...
• Jerk the skirt off...
• The band takes kids at any time...
• To QB, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat
• ToWR, didn't mean to hit you in the hands
• During tackling drill: Son, you look like a monkey trying to hump a football
• In the weight room the other day, I'm working with the LBs:
• DE comes up "coach, is the trainer here?"
• ME: "why?"
• DE: "I think I hurt my wrist hang cleaning, wanted to see if he would tape it."
• Sophomore LB speaks up: "Want a tampon?"
• DE turned around and went back to the clean rack and continued to lift.
• Worthless as tits on a boar hog
• My high school coach used to say: "You’re so stupid, you could fall in a barrel of titties and you would come out sucking your thumb."
• "I buy you the books and all you do is chew on the cover"
• "Son, I'm going to stop at Home Depot tonight and buy you a shovel, so tomorrow when you complain you can scoop the sand out of your vagina"
• Heard a coach yell this to a RB that would tip toe through the line of scrimmage. "You would hit that hole harder if it had hair on it."
• "Get up your killing the grass"
• A coach when asked about a player who stays in trouble and has quit every sport he's played. "Coach I hear Barry is coming back out to play next year. What position will he play?"
• The coach "Left out!"
• "If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle!"
• "The best part of him ran down his daddy's legs"
• The "poot-in-a-coke-bottle-route".....when rec. runs combo routes. They are so close together when the ball is thrown they could both poot in the same coke bottle
• "Pull your head out so you can see what's going on"
• "Coach what position am I going to play?"
• Left end, guard and tackle. Now go sit on the left end of the bench, guard the water, and tackle anybody that goes near it!
• "Son, you are fucking up my universe!"
• 3 DL vs. Spread Offense (5 OL)... all come off the field and say that we are all getting double teamed.
• "I have forgotten more football then you know!"
• A coach to an OL that is having a rough time making a reach block: "Son, I bet if there was a Twinkie attached to the defensive lines ass, you'd make that block!"
• My old HS head coach's favorite reply to me screwing up:
• "You are {censored} KILLING me, Jason...KILLING me!"
• A coach to a OL who just can’t seem to log the DE on the pull: "If God had wanted you to make that block, I guess he would have miracled your {censored} over there, huh?"
• Pulling a kid out he might say: Maybe I should just roll a helmet out there; at least someone might trip over the damn thing!
• He also liked to say: If we wanted you to have a girlfriend we would have issued you one.
• Oh yea, if you passed him in the hall and said coach or hi coach he would just say player or hi player.
• A coach told me one time that a player said during practice... "just wait until the game"
• Coach’s response... "Why do we have to wait until the game?"
• "Big time players make big time plays"
• The tackle was missing block after block in practice so he took the kid out of the drill and put a stand up bag there, and told the kid " at least the defense has to go over or around the bag" he then continued to finish out the rest of the team period with a bag playing RT, same coach another situation where he had a kid missing blocks. It had rained the day before so there was a puddle on the field. He takes the kid over to the puddle and makes him roll around in the mud screaming " I'm a pig, I’m a pig"
• "If this sport is too tough for you guys, put on a pair of shorts and go join the grass fairies on the soccer field"
• "I want a refund on my tax mileage. Obviously the special ed department is not doing its job."
• "Mr. ___________ (school band director) is coming by after practice to solicit members for the band. You'll still get to get on the game field; it will just be in a different uniform. I heard this year they will have a big, long feather in the cap."
• " Dude - you'd better go find the Wizard... because you ain't got heart, you ain't got courage and you ain't got brains..."
• OUR DC WAS IN COLLEGE AND HEARD THIS ONE FROM THE O-LINE COACH TO A TEAMMATE...."YOU DID A GREAT JOB JOHN....A GREAT JOB OF DOING ASBSOLUTLY F***ING NOTHING!"
• Head coach to admin: "can you at least give me a reach around here"
• My first HS coach...left after my sophomore year...during films he was counting backwards...which seemed random.
  Our TB had a particularly bad game fumbled like 3 times, missed some blocks...etc.
  First fumble - HC says "63"
  Missed block - HC says "59"
  2nd fumble - HC says "56"
  and so on...kept going throughout saturday film and none us had any clue what he was talking about, shortly after halftime of the film the RB whom he was biching at says "Coach...what's the numbers you're talking about?"
  Coach says "That's how many years you took off my life on each play."...pause..."Somebody call my wife, we just started the 2nd half, I'm going to die sometime last week at the rate Jason is going.
• OL coach talking about line splits, "buddy if you are telling the ladies that's 2 feet they must be pissed." Love using this one on the kids in camp this week.
• one our OL coach said in college "it's 3rd and less the length of my pieter and you guys can't get the f'in first down" kid on our team chimes in "coach it was 3rd and 6" I couldn't stop laughing at that one